Dear Miss Moneypenney:
It is imperative that this report and the accompanying images, recorded on my camera concealed in a cigarette lighter issued by “Q,” be shared with “M” at the earliest opportunity.
Oh, the Things I Do for England
As instructed, I attended this evening's gathering at the Ritz-Carlton Bali , Resort & Spa together with several hundred other invited guests. Billed as a For Your Eyes Only event, I was surprised, but not unhappily so, to encounter the following:
• A Casino Royale – Upon entering the area normally used as the Resort's premier Dava Restaurant - I was handed a quantity of plastic chips of various denominations and led by a most well-presented young woman to a range of gaming tables.
• The Martini Club – Sitting down at the Black Jack table, in order to survey and take in the surroundings, the same young woman brought without being asked my preferred libation: 4 measures of vodka, 1 measure of dry vermouth, and 1 olive – served straight up after being shaken over ice. Lingering to inform me there were 35 types of martini on offer that evening, I sensed the waitress had a certain animal attraction for me. However, like my drink, I was shaken, but not stirred.
Determined to see what information of value she might posses, I suggested a late night rendezvous. Polite yet firm in her refusal, I told her that the night was young and it was likely she would Never Say Never Again to this vintage secret agent.
• Champagne – Throughout the evening, copious quantities of alcoholic beverage were proffered at every corner. Too experienced to fall prey to over-indulgence in mood altering stimulants, I paced myself on glasses of Champagne after the initial martini. My preferred Dom Perignon 53 not available, I made an excellent choice of a more recent vintage, served at the mandatory sub-38 degrees Fahrenheit. Unable to refuse the free flow of champagne, I was compelled to say “yes” - fearful that I would be mistaken for "Dr. No."
Fixed in the belief that the attractive hostess who greeted me at the entrance was an Agent Provocateur targeted against one of Her Majesty's Senior Servants, I seized the moment to gain closer access suggesting that while Diamonds are Forever, an evening with The Spy Who Loved Me was an opportunity not to be missed.
Steadfast in her denial of my recruitment pitch, she suggested I sample the imported crustaceans sumptuously laid out on a bed of ice. I told the young woman that if her course of rejection continued, I'd have more need for the ice than any plate of fresh oysters.
The party, set atop the cliff side of the Ritz-Carlton Bali, Resort & Spa provided A View to a Kill - with Bali's Jimbaran Bay and Indian Ocean stretch out below a Moonraker sky. Determined to collect as much intelligence as possible, I resolved to leave the gaming table and descended the stairs to a garden courtyard and the main phalanx of invited guests. There, scores of chefs prepared gourmet delights a la minute, an orchestra played familiar themes from a certain series of British spy movies, exciting miniature power boat races took place in reflecting pools, dazzling dancers performed and attractive women nearly 3 meters tall – vaguely reminiscent of May Day (a/ka Grace Jones) - made their way through the crowd.
As a matter of some urgency, please have “Q” and his team analyze the images below and advise his preliminary findings.
Please be a good Moneypenny and check with “Q” and see if he can shed some light on the whereabouts of my Aston Martin. It seems to have gone missing and the lads at Bali's airport insist they've not seen it. Can you find a way to delicately put the question to “Q”: Did he leave the "adaptive camouflage" switch in the "ON" position when he shipped it?
Once we find the car I’ll make a follow-up visit to the Ritz-Carlton and obtain confirmation of my suspicions that there's more to this Resort than its reputation as one of the world's leading holiday resorts.
Miss Moneypenny, please assure “M” I'll get to the bottom of this, no matter how long its takes. Oh, the things I do for England!
James Bond - 007